Hello Grassroots, Sweet Children and Bane-iacs and welcome to another edition of the Lightning Round. The thing that I keep writing even with the invention of video and the thing you keep reading. For that, I am truly grateful. Hopefully there are more Lightning Round virgins reading these things nowadays, so the best way to enjoy your time here is to just read it without expecting anything. There is no theme, no rhyme and no reason to me saying the things I do. Meanwhile, you can react however you like. You can say something completely unrelated. Or don’t. I’m a writer not a cop.
Was Lil Wayne ever good? Or were we fooled?
Candy corn is not the worst candy. It’s a toss up between circus peanuts and those chews that come in the orange or black wrapping paper around Halloween. It’s gotta be circus peanut because it’s available all year round.
I would like to sarcastically thank rapists and perverts for making walking behind women on the street really awkward. When I’m wearing my hoodie, because hoodies are awesome and functional, and a woman gives me the over the shoulder, it’s impossible to not look like I’m going to assault her. So I cross the street so as to look like I don’t even notice she’s scared to death of me. Or I try to look like I’m super into my phone. But I may as just look up in the air and whistle Dixie. Ladies, what assures you that a guy isn’t gonna go for the rape in that situation? I try to hug the wall and move at 60 mph on foot, but that just makes you want to run and blow your orange whistles. I’m really at a loss for what to do. I get so stressed trying not to come off as a creep, I forget to check these chicks out, bro. #hifive #guzzlesbeer
If I could do it all over again, I think I would have the DJ play so much Breakbot and Tuxedo at my wedding. All their songs sound like your favorite 80s theme songs, but as full 3-5min songs. Well, I guess there’s always my funeral. Because I’m never getting married again. Ever.
Munchies has to come from the chips that fell off the other conveyor belts and landed on the floor. Then they sweep them up and scoop them into bags and seal them bad boys. Not bad for floor chips honestly.
Instagram and Snapchat is the new Brazzers and Reality Kings.
Anybody wanna pay me to write stuff? You’ve seen some of my free work. You know, like this very thing you’re reading.
I really like Zooey Deschanel’s little fat knees. I like chubby knees in general. Her knees don’t always look this cute. But when she’s on New Girl and in those vintage doll looking dresses and flats, she looks like an adorable little Petunia Pig or something. UGH! I can’t stand it XD
Cereal is better at night. It’s a little more sad and pathetic, but maybe that’s what gives it its flavor.
So when were y’all gonna tell me about this? We just got a Little Caesar’s around the corner from us. Now I can taste the Greenfield and Grand River whenever I want.
A warning to all the parents with kids who will come into contact with mine: I am soooo not above slapping your kids if they mess with my girls. I don’t care how old, if you’re there, if they’re at school or church. I will powerbomb your baby for picking with mine. So before it gets to that point, get off your phone and get in there and parent. Because I after your kid feels these hands, there will plenty of hands left for you.
In this week’s Get Your Shit Together, we visit with Holden Caulfield of The Catcher in the Rye. What are you so upset about, you spoiled, privileged, sniveling manbaby!? Try to care about something sometimes. You won’t burst into flame for giving aF! You’re from too tough an era of humans to be this soft. You sat around whining so much, you didn’t even peep your dudely adult ass teacher just tried to be on you. And watch the potty-mouth, son. Take off that red cap, turn it upside down, gather all your shit. Get it all together and put it in that hat. Then tuck it under your arm, so you can use your other arm to catch those kids in the rye!
Last thing, if you haven’t already, go check out the inaugural episode of #HiyaHandsome starring the newest internet sensation, Handsome Bane. Episode 2 will be shot entirely on Snapchat, so if you’ve friended him, you get to see it all before anybody else does. Otherwise you have to wait til it hits the Gram in segments. OR if you’re into watching everything at once, you can check out the entire episode here. Whatever course of action you take, make sure you tell everybody you know about it. A brotha would truly appreciate it. Furthermore, if you want to be a part of the show, become a true Bane-iac and send in your questions for The Handsome One and it will get aired and answered. It’s a beautiful thing to give and receive.
Til next time, my sweet little Grassroots.