Sup Twerps!? It’s been a couple weeks so I guess you’ve had enough time to process the last one. For those of you who are new to the Lightning Round, I can’t believe they still make you! The LR is thee most randomly, exciting and electrifying…blog? I guess it’s a blog. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. Anyway. I say things here that make no sense when I say the next thing. If you’re looking for some kind of cohesion in this thing, you’re gonna be sorely disappointed. When they’re reading these in English classes in the year 3000, this little Preamble here is going to save students a lot of time. But by then you’ll need to be Scrooge McDuck to afford college so maybe you’ll get to read these for fun.
Sometimes I just like to gaze upon the face of Antonia Thomas. Part of me wishes she’d come to Game of Thrones, but they’d probably kill her off for not showing her bewbs.
People have been all up in arms about Beyonce’s Lemonade. I don’t even care. It’s not groundbreaking. Gucci already made a song called Lemonade. Just like KRS already made an album called Blueprint. That’s a joke guys. Don’t let the Beygency know I said that. They’ll burn my house down.
Dog…Where tf Ser Pounce been, bro?
You know who’s too passionate? Not the Beyhive. People who worship Sriracha are way too intense. Guys, it’s spicy ketchup. It’s too thick to go into/onto anything but Pho. The broth cuts the thickness and makes it not taste like hot paste.
I have to start saying, “No worries” when someone says sorry for something like bumping into me or being out of sugar. People I know who say, “No worries” as opposed to “It’s okay” or “don’t worry about it” are infinitely cooler than everybody else I know. You ever feel genuinely bummed when you couldn’t help somebody out with something? Then they say, “Hey, man. No worries.” All that stress just melts away. I want to be able to do that for somebody.
Can you imagine any other song being the intro to Cops? Don’t even lie and say you can.
I’m going to write a mini-series about the war that pits the Grouches against the Grinches, which saw the latter get wiped out except for the one with which we’re familiar. Either that or a prequel to Stole Christmas that shows the Grinch working retail and the USPS around the holiday season. Talk about a sympathetic character.
Pro Stars Michael Jordan truly understood the powers held by the Toon Force. Why didn’t Bugs and Daffy just hop over to the Pro-Stars realm and recruit him? He would have mopped the court with the Mon-Stars by himself.
I thought the Bluetooth headset was a brilliant, functional and convenient invention. Why the hell was it rejected by society as a whole? What? Did people, upon knowing what a bluetooth headset was, still think you were talking to yourself? Were they too expensive? Couldn’t be. Everybody had one and just stopped using them. I mean I use my headphones when I work out. But have you ever worked out with no headphones? It’s called gym class…but with no friends.
I’ll bet Chicken Boo would eat another chicken if it would convince people he’s a man. That boy is in too deep.
Time for a NEW SEGMENT I like to call; GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! This is where we look at a character in fiction (mainly in literature because it’s a bigger payoff if you’ve read something and gotten to know the character), but you can always look these up on Thugnotes or something. Today I’m gonna talk about Okonkwo, the main protagonist (not hero) of Things Fall Apart. First of all, dude is way too macho, even by Yoruba standards. Where my Nigerians at? They’ll tell you. I get it, you’re a wrestler and yam tycoon. Calm down, bro. You’re too old to feel unforced peer pressure when you killed little Ikemefuna. Nobody even asked you! Dude who beats his wife during the Week of Peace!? This ain’t the Purge, dude! I don’t disagree with everything you did. I don’t blame the misfire at the funeral. Accidents happen. That was a huge accident. But I could see me cutting you some slack. You were just too high strung, man. So instead of hanging yourself, how bout you go out into your yam…patch…garden…whatever. Get your harvesting tool. Look about the fields and lands and locate your shit. Once you’ve found it, rake it all up into a pile. Bag it up in a large clear bag. Tie a very tight knot and keep all your shit TOGETHER!!
I get grossed out when I hear Let’s Get it On by Marvin Gaye. My body rejects everything about it. I think it just makes me think of parents doing it. Not necessarily my parents. Just last generation’s parents in general. Like the generation that was around when that record first dropped. And let’s be clear. I don’t think of those parents having sexual intercourse. I think of those parents “doing it”, which is essentially the exact same thing, but not. Just imagine if someone ran out of a room and said, “Ugh they in there having sex” vs “Ugh! They in there doin’ it!”. That’s why Let’s Get it On bothers makes me dry heave.
What if Screech from Saved by the Bell was meant to have super speed or something? Like that was the reason the creators named him Screech Powers? Then the night before they started filming the pilot, somebody thought it was dumb. And they were right.
Welp!!! That’s gonna do it for this installment of the Lightning Round. Remember to share, like and comment on the LR. Seriously tell your friends about how messed up I am. Send this to your mom and dad and see how they chuckle at the Marvin Gaye part. They know they’re gross. Also, make sure you Support my Walk for Hunger team. Unless you’re on hunger’s side and want people to starve to death. In which case, I’m not judging you. But I’m praying for you. Y’all be safe because Death is foolin’ in the 2016.
I love you. I believe in you. You got this.