It is with great pride I bring The Lightning Round to Are You the Reason. I have been writing this thing off and on for a little over 10 years now. If you Google it with my name hard enough, you’ll probably find bits and pieces of scattered all over the internet. It started on Xanga.com (I know RIGHT!?). Then it made its way over to Facebook. It might have had a stint on Myspace. It sat over on Tumblr for a while, but because I wasn’t porn or depressed, I didn’t get the traffic befitting my beloved Lightning Round. So we packed it back up and moved back to FB for quite a while. Anyway, we’re excited to be here now. So before you ask “What the hell is the Lightning Round?” I figure I can show you better than I can tell you. Here are a couple suggestions.

1. Never try to grab ahold of what’s happening and why. Just ride the wave. It’s more fun if you jump in…ya know what? Screw it. Try to figure it out! It’s YOUR Lightning Round. Do what you feel.

2. So long as you comment, question and share this thing with everybody. It’s a party. Invite your friends. I live for your feedback. I’m willing to answer questions in future Lightning Rounds and feature those who send things in. It’s your column more than it is mine, really.

and we’re off…

The other day I saw a dude that I’m about 20% sure I saw on America’s Most Wanted. The only reason I didn’t try to apprehend him was because I wasn’t sure if he was the suspect or the actor hired to PORTRAY the suspect in the reenactment. So hopefully he hasn’t murdered the woman and little boy he had with him. I’m gonna stop thinking about this now.

sbc

Smurf Cereal used to be the shizznittlebam-snip-snap-zap!

 

steroids

 

 

I want to create a steroid league for sports in general. I wouldn’t want to see people fight while they’re hopped on juice. But I would love to see someone throw down a tomahawk dunk on a 12’ hoop. I would marvel at a track meet where the sprinters shoot up right there on the track. I just want to see a two-minute mile. Or they could take some preworkout if they like. Whatever. Hell, I’d watch a beauty pageant if the contestants were on PEDs.

Group projects are God’s way of testing your love for your fellow man. That’s why they usually come at the end of the year. It’s like a final exam to show The Lord how willing you are to be like Him. Doing a group project is figuratively stretching out on the Cross and taking one for the team, depending on which member of the team you are. Do the right thing and let The Spirit guide you accordingly.

 

30000_grilled_peanut_butter_jelly

 

Have any of you ever grilled a PB and J? I microwaved one before because it was frozen. It was cold in the middle but warm on the bread. The jelly wasn’t doing that runny, drippy stuff it does when you put it on really hot toast. That shit was a taste sensation! My mouth didn’t know what to believe anymore.

 

 

leste

 

 

I want to open up a porn gym. You’d be able to watch porn on the treadmill, bikes and elliptical machines. There would be a big screen in the weights area and aerobic classes would be taught by porn stars who are in female X-Men shape. The point is to harvest sexual energy and repurpose it for the sake of fitness. I’ve rarely been too tired to have some sex. Even when I was a super fat-ass. I’d be willing to get off my ass to get some…ass.

 

 

 

prime

I have always loved how high and mighty Optimus Prime was in the 80s cartoon. Remember in the movie when he picked up his gun to finish Megatron off? Then Megatron begged for mercy and Optimus was so disgusted? He was basically like “Cowboy up and take this shotty like a G, my dog. You wasn’t talkin all that mercy stuff when you was doin’ everybody else grimey.” I mean, Megatron turned the tables and ‘moked Optimus after that, but still. Optimus got on that soapbox and gave Megatron a severe dressing down before he was about to waste that ass.

 

portrait-mbison

Finally, here’s some advice; if someone tells you, “I’m the last person you need to be worried about.” BEAT THEIR ASS!! It means they’re the final boss. Finish him/her off and you won’t have to fight everybody else. You just gotta make sure you get out their house before it explodes. For some reason, after the final boss gets knocked out or killed, their residence goes up in a huge explosion. Maybe it’s an insurance thing. Pay off the creditors and all that.

That’s it, kids! That wasn’t so bad, was it? Make sure you leave your comments and exchange ideas with me. It’s much better when we get into a dialogue. Keep an open mind and be awesome to one another. Until next time!

 

 

NO ONE wants you to succeed and have all the good desires of your heart as much Stan Bush and I do.